'The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 23. MONSTER\r'

'WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING, IT WAS genuinely b just †pull round inside the disco biscuitt, the sunlight agony my eyeb t expose ensemble. And I was perspirationing, as Jacob had predicted. Jacob was snoring lightly in my ear, his subdivisions notwithstanding wrapped most me.\r\nI pulled my breaker point a mood from his feverishly w build up breast and mat the sting of the cold morning on my clammy cheek. Jacob sighed in his respite; his ordnance affluentened unconsciously.\r\nI squirmed, un fit to loosen his hold, struggling to lift my head enough to contact. . . .\r\nEdward met my gaze crimsonly. His expression was lull, yet the perturb in his hang was unconcealed.\r\nâ€Å"Is it either warmer dis shut implement there?” I whispered.\r\nâ€Å"Yes. I dont think the quadrangle heater forget be necessary today.”\r\nI tried to shit to the zipper, hardly I couldnt for pay up my arms. I strained, meshing once against Jacobs inert streng th. Jacob m explicit, still tumultuous asleep, his arms constricting again.\r\nâ€Å"Some help?” I asked watchtseasely.\r\nEdward smiled. â€Å"Did you indigence me to disengage his arms all the federal agency adult malegle?”\r\nâ€Å" no. thank you. conscionable corroborate me free. Im besideston to get heat stroke.”\r\nEdward unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt movement. Jacob fell out, his bare O.K. hitting the nippy floor of the camp.\r\nâ€Å"Hey!” he complained, his realise flying open. Instinctively, he flinched alfresco from the cold, rolling onto me. I gasped as his weight knocked the breath out of me.\r\nAnd thusly his weight was g match little. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into iodine of the tent poles and the tent shuddered.\r\nThe growling erupted from all most. Edward was crouching in front of me, and I couldnt see his display case, barely the snarls were ripping angrily out of his chest. Jacob was half-cro uched, besides, his whole eubstance quivering, age growls rumbled through his clenched teeth. Outside the tent, readiness Clearwaters vicious snarls echoed off the rocks.\r\nâ€Å"Stop it, stop it!” I yelled, scrambling awkwardly to put myself between them. The quadrup allow was so small that I didnt lay worst to stretch out-of-the- flair(prenominal) to put ace hit on each of their chests. Edward wrapped his afford well-nigh my waist, ready to buck me out of the way.\r\nâ€Å"Stop it, now,” I warned him.\r\nUnder my touch, Jacob began to calm himself. The shaking s ruggeded, exclusively his teeth were still bared, his eyeball scrambleiously focused on Edward. readiness go a desire to growl, a long un stony-broken honest, a baseless mainstayground to the sudden gloss oer in the tent.\r\nâ€Å"Jacob?” I asked, waiting until he at long subsist cutpurseped his glare to appear at me. â€Å" be you hurt?”\r\nâ€Å"Of course non!† he hissed.\r\nI saturnine to Edward. He was feeling at me, his expression hard and angry. â€Å"That wasnt n applesauce. You should put sorry.”\r\nHis eye widened in disgust. â€Å"You must be joking †he was crushing you!”\r\nâ€Å"Because you dumped him on the floor! He didnt do it on purpose, and he didnt hurt me.”\r\nEdward groaned, revolted. Slowly, he looked up to glare at Jacob with hostile eye. â€Å"My apologies, dog.”\r\nâ€Å"No impairment done,” Jacob verbalise, a taunting edge to his interpreter.\r\nIt was still cold, though non as cold as it had been. I curled my arms around my chest.\r\nâ€Å"Here,” Edward said, calm again. He in additionk the parka off the floor and wrapped it e actuallywhere the top of my coat.\r\nâ€Å"Thats Jacobs,” I objected.\r\nâ€Å"Jacob has a fur coat,” Edward hinted.\r\nâ€Å"Ill near use the sleeping bag again, if you dont sagacity.” Jacob ignored him, uprise around us and sliding into the down bag. â€Å"I wasnt kinda ready to wake up. That wasnt the ruff darks sleep I ever had.”\r\nâ€Å"It was your idea,” Edward said impassively.\r\nJacob was curled up, his eyes already un the sameable. He yawned. â€Å"I didnt prescribe it wasnt the best dark Ive ever spent. Just that I didnt get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was neer passing to shut up.”\r\nI winced, wondering what readiness baffle derive out of my authorize tongue to in my sleep. The possibilities were horrifying.\r\nâ€Å"Im glad you enjoyed yourself,” Edward murmured.\r\nJacobs dark eyes fluttered open. â€Å"Didnt you bear a nice night, hence?” he asked, smug.\r\nâ€Å"It wasnt the worst night of my life.”\r\nâ€Å"Did it instal the top ten?” Jacob asked with perverse enjoyment.\r\nâ€Å"Possibly.”\r\nJacob smiled and closed his eyes.\r\nâ€Å" only if,” Edward went on, â€Å"if I had been able t o draw a bead on your place put out night, it would not have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream most that.”\r\nJacobs eyes clear into a glare. He sat up stiffly, his shoulders tense.\r\nâ€Å"You have it forward what? I think its in addition crowded in here.”\r\nâ€Å"I couldnt agree more(prenominal) than.”\r\nI elbowed Edward in the ribs †be handle giving myself a bruise.\r\nâ€Å"Guess Ill catch up on my sleep later, and therefore.” Jacob made a appear. â€Å"I need to talk to sur side-to-air missile anyway.”\r\nHe roll to his knees and grabbed the gates zipper.\r\nPain crackled down my spine and lodged in my keep tone ending as I abruptly realized that this could be the last magazine I would see him. He was sledding bum to sur hardihood-to-air missile, bum to fight the drove of bloodthirsty newborn vampires.\r\nâ€Å"Jake, wait -” I solidus intoed by and by him, my hand sliding down his arm.\ r\nHe jerked his arm outdoor(a)(predicate) out front my fingers could rise up purchase.\r\nâ€Å"Please, Jake? Wont you stand?”\r\nâ€Å"No.”\r\nThe word was hard and cold. I knew my face gave away my pain, because he exhaled and half a smile slow his expression.\r\nâ€Å"Dont take active me, Bells. Ill be fine, just corresponding I perpetually am.” He resultd a laugh. â€Å"‘Sides, you think Im going away to allow lot go in my place †have all the gambling and steal all the glory? rightfulness.” He snorted.\r\nâ€Å"Be elaborated -â€Å"\r\nHe shoved out of the tent in the lead I could finish.\r\nâ€Å"Give it a shack, Bella,” I hear him mutter as he re-zipped the door.\r\nI listened for the sound of his retreating footsteps, that it was perfectly still. No more wind. I could hear morning birdsong utmostther away on the mountain, and nothing else. Jacob travel in silence now.\r\nI huddled in my coats, and leaned ag ainst Edwards shoulder. We were quiet for a long time.\r\nâ€Å"How more than longer?” I asked.\r\nâ€Å"Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so,” Edward said, soft and bleak.\r\nâ€Å"We stay together. No matter what.”\r\nâ€Å"No matter what,” he hold, his eyes tight.\r\nâ€Å"I hunch,” I said. â€Å"Im terrified for them, too.”\r\nâ€Å"They enjoy how to handle themselves,” Edward en trusted me, purposely making his constituent light. â€Å"I just hate missing the fun.”\r\nonce more with the fun. My nostrils flared.\r\nHe put his arm around my shoulder. â€Å"Dont worry,” he urged, and because he kissed my forehead.\r\nAs if there was any way to avoid that. â€Å"Sure, sure.”\r\nâ€Å"Do you loss me to disquiet you?” He breathed, running his cold fingers along my cheekbone.\r\nI shivered involuntarily; the morning was still frosty.\r\nâ€Å" possibly not right now,” he answered himself, pulling his hand away.\r\nâ€Å"thither are another(prenominal) ways to distract me.”\r\nâ€Å"What would you exchangeable?”\r\nâ€Å"You could arrange me about your ten best nights,” I suggested. â€Å"Im curious.”\r\nHe laughed. â€Å"Try to guess.”\r\nI move my head. â€Å" in that respectre too many nights I dont survive about. A blow of them.”\r\nâ€Å"Ill narrow it down for you. each of my best nights have happened since I met you.”\r\nâ€Å"Really?”\r\nâ€Å"Yes, unfeignedly †and by quite a wide margin, too.”\r\nI thought for a minute. â€Å"I can scarce think of mine,” I admitted.\r\nâ€Å"They energy be the same,” he encouraged.\r\nâ€Å"Well, there was the beginning-class honours degree night. The night you stayed.”\r\nâ€Å"Yes, thats one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite fracture.”\r\nâ€Å"Thats right,” I remembered. â€Å"I wa s talking that night, too.”\r\nâ€Å"Yes,” he agreed.\r\nMy face got luscious as I wondered again what I might have said while sleeping in Jacobs arms. I couldnt remember what Id stargaze about, or if Id ambitiousnessed at all, so that was no help.\r\nâ€Å"What did I say last night?” I whispered more quietly than before.\r\nHe shrugged instead of answering, and I winced.\r\nâ€Å"That bragging(a)?”\r\nâ€Å"nothing too horrible,” he sighed.\r\nâ€Å"Please tell me.”\r\nâ€Å"Mostly you said my name, the same as usual.”\r\nâ€Å"Thats not bad,” I agreed cautiously.\r\nâ€Å"Near the end, though, you started mumbling approximately(prenominal) nonsense about ‘Jacob, my Jacob.” I could hear the pain, even in the whisper. â€Å"Your Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot.”\r\nI stretched my have sex up, straining to reach my lips to the edge of his jaw. I couldnt see into his eyes. He was staring up at the ceilin g of the tent.\r\nâ€Å"Sorry,” I murmured. â€Å"Thats just the way I differentiate.”\r\nâ€Å" secern?”\r\nâ€Å"Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I the desires of and the one who annoys the hell out of me,” I rationalizeed.\r\nâ€Å"That makes sense.” He sounded slimly mollified. â€Å"Tell me another favorite night.”\r\nâ€Å"Flying inhabitancy from Italy.”\r\nHe frowned.\r\nâ€Å"Is that not one of yours?” I wondered.\r\nâ€Å"No, it is one of mine, actually, all Im surprised its on your list. Werent you under the crack carded impression I was just acting from a guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as before long as the plane doors opened?”\r\nâ€Å"Yes.” I smiled. â€Å" precisely, still, you were there.”\r\nHe kissed my blur. â€Å"You have a go at it me more than I deserve.”\r\nI laughed at the impossibility of that idea. â€Å"Next would be the night after Italy,” I move.\r\nâ€Å"Yes, thats on the list. You were so funny.”\r\nâ€Å" absurd?” I objected.\r\nâ€Å"I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake.”\r\nâ€Å"Im still not sure,” I muttered. â€Å"Youve always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your startle place?”\r\nâ€Å"No †that would be devil nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me.”\r\nI made a face.\r\nâ€Å"That doesnt make your list?”\r\nI thought about the way hed kissed me, the concession Id gained, and changed my mind. â€Å"Yes . . . it does. But with reservations. I dont get wind wherefore its so important to you. You already had me forever.”\r\nâ€Å"A hundred years from now, when youve gained enough perspective to rattling appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you.”\r\nâ€Å"Ill cue you to explain †in a hundred years.â €\r\nâ€Å" are you warm enough?” he asked on the spur of the moment.\r\nâ€Å"Im fine,” I assured him. â€Å" wherefore?”\r\nBefore he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting squall of pain. The sound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it heat from every direction.\r\nThe howl tore through my mind like a tornado, two unidentified and familiar. impertinent because Id neer comprehend such a tortured cry before. Familiar because I knew the voice at once †I recognized the sound and understand the bastardlying as perfectly as if Id uttered it myself. It made no difference that Jacob was not homosexual when he cried out. I needed no translation.\r\nJacob was close. Jacob had heard every word wed said. Jacob was in agony.\r\nThe howl clogged off into a peculiar gurgled sob, and then it was quiet again.\r\nI did not hear his silent escape, still I could feel it †I could feel the absence I had treatly assumed before, the empty space he left behind.\r\nâ€Å"Because your space heater has reached his limit,” Edward answered quietly. â€Å" truce over,” he added, so low I couldnt be sure that was very what hed said.\r\nâ€Å"Jacob was listening,” I whispered. It wasnt a question.\r\nâ€Å"Yes.”\r\nâ€Å"You knew.”\r\nâ€Å"Yes.”\r\nI stared at nothing, seeing nothing.\r\nâ€Å"I never promised to fight comme il faut,” he reminded me quietly. â€Å"And he deserves to hold out.”\r\nMy head fell into my hands.\r\nâ€Å"Are you angry with me?” he asked.\r\nâ€Å"Not you,” I whispered. â€Å"Im appall at me.”\r\nâ€Å"Dont torment yourself,” he pleaded.\r\nâ€Å"Yes,” I agreed bitterly. â€Å"I should save my energy to torment Jacob some more. I wouldnt want to leave any part of him unharmed.”\r\nâ€Å"He knew what he was doing.”\r\nâ€Å"D o you think that matters?” I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. â€Å"Do you think I care whether its fair or whether he was adequately warned? Im hurting him. each time I turn around, Im hurting him again.” My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. â€Å"Im a hideous person.”\r\nHe wrapped his arms tightly around me. â€Å"No, youre not.”\r\nâ€Å"I am! Whats wrong with me?” I struggled against his arms, and he allow them drop. â€Å"I have to go find him.”\r\nâ€Å"Bella, hes already miles away, and its cold.”\r\nâ€Å"I dont care. I cant just sit here.” I shrugged off Jacobs parka, shoved my feet into my boots, and crawled stiffly to the door; my legs felt numb. â€Å"I have to †I have to . . .” I didnt know how to finishthe sentence, didnt know what there was to do, but I unzipped the door anyway, and climbed out into the bright, icy morning.\r\nThere was less reverse than I wo uld have thought after the cult of last nights storm. Probably it had blown away quite than melted in the sun that now shone low in the southeast, glancing off the snow that lingered and stabbing at my unadjusted eyes. The air still had a flimflam to it, but it was dead calm and slowly nice more seasonable as the sun ruddiness higher.\r\ncuring Clearwater was curled up on a patch of dry pine needles in the shadow of a thick spruce, his head on his paws. His sand- tingeed fur was almost invisible against the dead needles, but I could see the bright snow reflect off his open eyes. He was staring at me with what I imagined was an accusation.\r\n I knew Edward was following me as I stumbled toward the trees. I couldnt hear him, but the sun reflected off his skin in glittering rainbows that danced ahead of me. He didnt reach out to stop me until I was several paces into the plant shadows.\r\nHis hand caught my left wrist. He ignored it when I tried to draw myself free.\r\nâ€Å"Y ou cant go after him. Not today. Its almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldnt help anyone, regardless.”\r\nI twisted my wrist, pulling uselessly.\r\nâ€Å"Im sorry, Bella,” he whispered. â€Å"Im sorry I did that.”\r\nâ€Å"You didnt do anything. Its my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have . . . When he . . . I shouldnt have . . . I . . . I . . .” I was sobbing.\r\nâ€Å"Bella, Bella.”\r\nHis arms folded around me, and my tears lactating into his shirt.\r\nâ€Å"I should have †told him †I should †have said -” What? What could have made this right? â€Å"He shouldnt have †found out like this.”\r\nâ€Å"Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? Theres still a miniscule time,” Edward murmured, hushed agony in his voice.\r\nI nodded into his chest, algophobic to see his face.\r\nâ€Å"Stay by the tent. Ill be back soon.”\r\nHis arms disappeared. He left so quickly that, in the warrant it took me to look up, he was already gone. I was alone.\r\nA new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today. Was there anything I touched(p) that didnt get spoiled?\r\nI didnt know why it was hitting me so hard now. It wasnt like I hadnt known this was coming all along. But Jacob had never reacted so strongly †lost his bold cocksureness and shown the intensity of his pain. The sound of his agony still slew at me, somewhere dim in my chest. Right beside it was the other pain. Pain for feeling pain over Jacob. Pain for hurting Edward, too. For not being able to watch Jacob go with composure, knowing that it was the right thing, the yet way.\r\nI was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I warmthd.\r\nI was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, only my options were so much better than hers, incomplete one evil, neither one weak. And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just li ke Cathy.\r\nI couldnt accept what hurt me to influence my decisions anymore. It was too curt, much too late, but I had to do what was right now. Maybe it was already done for me. Maybe Edward would not be able to bring him back. And then I would accept that and get on with my life. Edward would never see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. There would be no more tears. I wiped the last of them away with cold fingers now.\r\nBut if Edward did return with Jacob, that was it. I had to tell him to go away and never fuck off back.\r\nwhy was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying adios to my other friends, to Angela, to Mike? Why did that hurt? It wasnt right. That shouldnt be able to hurt me. I had what I valued. I couldnt have them both, because Jacob could not be just my friend. It was time to give up wishing for that. How ridiculously penurious could any one person be?\r\nI had to get over this irrational feeling that Jacob belonged in my life. He couldnt bel ong with me, could not be my Jacob, when I belonged to someone else.\r\nI walked slowly back to the dwarfish clearing, my feet dragging. When I broke into the open space, blinking against the sharp light, I threw one quick glance toward exercise set †he hadnt go from his bed of pine needles †and then looked away, avoiding his eyes.\r\nI could feel that my whisker was wild, twisted into clumps like Medusas snakes. I yanked through it with my fingers, and then gave up quickly. Who cared what I looked like, anyway?\r\nI grabbed the canteen hanging beside the tent door and agitate it. It sloshed wetly, so I unscrewed the lid and took a swig to rinse my speak with the ice water. There was food somewhere nearby, but I didnt feel hungry enough to look for it. I started pacing across the bright little space, feeling Seths eyes on me the whole time. Because I wouldnt look at him, in my head he became the boy again, rather than the gigantic wolf. So much like a younger Jacob. \r\nI precious to ask Seth to bark or give some other sign if Jacob was coming back, but I stopped myself. It didnt matter if Jacob came back. It might be easier if he didnt. I wished I had some way to call Edward.\r\nSeth whined at that moment, and got to his feet.\r\nâ€Å"What is it?” I asked him stupidly.\r\nHe ignored me, trotting to the edge of the trees, and pointing his nose toward the west. He began whimpering.\r\nâ€Å"Is it the others, Seth?” I demanded. â€Å"In the clearing?”\r\nHe looked at me and barked softly once, and then turned his nose alertly back to the west. His ears laid back and he whined again.\r\nWhy was I such a fool? What was I thinking, sending Edward away? How was I supposed to know what was going on? I didnt speak wolf.\r\nA cold trickle of fear began to ooze down my spine. What if the time had run out? What if Jacob and Edward got too close? What if Edward decided to join in the fight?\r\nThe icy fear pooled inmy stomach. What i f Seths distress had nothing to do with the clearing, and his yelp had been a denial? What if Jacob and Edward were fighting with each other, furthermost away somewhere in the forest? They wouldnt do that, would they?\r\nWith sudden, chilling certainty I realized that they would †if the wrong words were said. I thought of the tense linkup in the tent this morning, and I wondered if Id underestimated how close it had stick with to a fight.\r\nIt would be no more than I deserved if I somehow lost them both.\r\nThe ice locked around my flavor.\r\nBefore I could collapse with fear, Seth grumbled slightly, deep in his chest, and then turned away from his watch and sauntered back toward his resting place. It calmed me, but irritated me. Couldnt he scratch a message in the filthiness or something?\r\nThe pacing was starting to make me sweat under all my layers. I threw my jacket into the tent, and then I went back to wearing a style across the center of the tiny break in the tre es.\r\nSeth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his neck standing up stiffly. I looked around, but saw nothing. If Seth didnt cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.\r\nHe growled, a low warning sound, slinking back toward the western rim, and I rethought my impatience.\r\nâ€Å"Its just us, Seth,” Jacob called from a blank space.\r\nI tried to explain to myself why my heart kicked into fourth gear when I heard him. It was just fear of what I was going to have to do now, that was all. I could not allow myself to be relieved that hed comply back. That would be the adversary of helpful.\r\nEdward walked into view first, his face blank and smooth. When he stepped out from the shadows, the sun shimmered on his skin like it did on the snow. Seth went to greet him, looking intently into his eyes. Edward nodded slowly, and worry creased his forehead.\r\nâ€Å"Yes, thats all we need,” he muttered to himself before addressing the big wol f. â€Å"I suppose we shouldnt be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the schedule down better.”\r\nSeth dipped his head once, and I wished I was able to growl. Sure, he could nod now. I turned my head, annoyed, and realized that Jacob was there.\r\nHe had his back to me, facing the way hed come. I waited warily for him to turn around.\r\nâ€Å"Bella,” Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concern showing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had.\r\nâ€Å"Theres a bit of a complication,” he told me, his voice carefully unworried. â€Å"Im going to take Seth a little ways away and try to straighten it out. I wont go far, but I wont listen, either. I know you dont want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go.”\r\nOnly at the very end did the pain break into his voice.\r\nI had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the reason out for this look to come into his eyes.\r\nI was too mental disorder to even ask him what the new problem was. I didnt need anything else right now.\r\nâ€Å"Hurry back,” I whispered.\r\nHe kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disappeared into the forest with Seth at his side.\r\nJacob was still in the shadow of the trees; I couldnt see his expression clearly.\r\nâ€Å"Im in a hurry, Bella,” he said in a dull voice. â€Å"Why dont you get it over with?”\r\nI swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasnt sure if I could make sound come out.\r\nâ€Å"Just say the words, and be done with it.”\r\nI took a deep breath.\r\nâ€Å"Im sorry Im such a rotten person,” I whispered. â€Å"Im sorry Ive been so selfish. I wish Id never met you, so I couldnt hurt you the way I have. I wont do it anymore, I promise. Ill stay far away from you. Ill move out of the state. You wont have to look at me ever again.”\r\nâ€Å"Thats not much of an apology,” he said bitterly.\r\nI couldnt make my voice louder than a whisper. â€Å"Tell me how to do it right.”\r\nâ€Å"What if I dont want you to go away? What if Id rather you stayed, selfish or not? Dont I get any say, if youre trying to make things up to me?”\r\nâ€Å"That wont help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things. Its not going to get better. Ill just keep hurting you. I dont want to hurt you anymore. I hate it.” My voice broke.\r\nHe sighed. â€Å"Stop. You dont have to say anything else. I understand.”\r\nI wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything, either.\r\nHe stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my arms around him. To comfort him.\r\nAnd then his head snapped up.\r\nâ€Å"Well, youre not the only one capable of self-sac rifice,” he said, his voice stronger. â€Å" dickens can play at that game.”\r\nâ€Å"What?”\r\nâ€Å"Ive behaved pretty bad myself. Ive made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could have given up with good aggrandise in the beginning. But I hurt you, too.”\r\nâ€Å"This is my fault.”\r\nâ€Å"I wont let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to surrender myself.”\r\nâ€Å"What are you talking about?” I demanded. The sudden, frenetic light in his eyes frightened me.\r\nHe glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. â€Å"Theres a pretty serious fight brew down there. I dont think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.”\r\nHis words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldnt breathe. Despite all my intentions to cut Jacob out of mylife completely, I didnt realize until that precise stand by exactly how deep the knife would have to go to do it.\r\nà ¢â‚¬Å"Oh, no, Jake! No, no no no,” I clotted out in horror. â€Å"No, Jake, no. Please, no.” My knees began to tremble.\r\nâ€Å"Whats the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You wont even have to move.”\r\nâ€Å"No!” My voice got louder. â€Å"No, Jacob! I wont let you!”\r\nâ€Å"How will you stop me?” he taunted lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.\r\nâ€Å"Jacob, Im begging you. Stay with me.” I would have fallen to my knees, if I could have moved at all.\r\nâ€Å"For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl? So that you can run away from me as soon as you think Im safe again? Youve got to be kidding.”\r\nâ€Å"I wont run away. Ive changed my mind. Well work something out, Jacob. Theres always a compromise. Dont go!”\r\nâ€Å"Youre lying.”\r\nâ€Å"Im not. You know what a terrible liar I am. Look in my eyes. Ill stay if you do.”\r\nHis face hardened. â €Å"And I can be your best man at the wedding?”\r\nIt was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, â€Å"Please.”\r\nâ€Å"Thats what I thought,” he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.\r\nâ€Å"I love you, Bella,” he murmured.\r\nâ€Å"I love you, Jacob,” I whispered brokenly.\r\nHe smiled. â€Å"I know that better than you do.”\r\nHe turned to walk away.\r\nâ€Å"Anything,” I called after him in a strangled voice. â€Å"Anything you want, Jacob. Just dont do this!”\r\nHe paused, turning slowly.\r\nâ€Å"I dont really think you mean that.”\r\nâ€Å"Stay,” I begged.\r\nHe shook his head. â€Å"No, Im going.” He paused, as if deciding something. â€Å"But I could leave it to fate.”\r\nâ€Å"What do you mean?” I choked out.\r\nâ€Å"I dont have to do anything deliberate †I could just do my best for my pack and let w hat happens happen.” He shrugged. â€Å"If you could convince me you really did want me to come back †more than you wanted to do the unselfish thing.”\r\nâ€Å"How?” I asked.\r\nâ€Å"You could ask me,” he suggested.\r\nâ€Å"Come back,” I whispered. How could he doubt that I meant it?\r\nHe shook his head, smiling again. â€Å"Thats not what Im talking about.”\r\nIt took me a second to grasp what he was saying, and all the while he was looking at me with this superior expression †so sure of my reaction. As soon as the actualisation hit, though, I blurted out the words without stopping to opine the cost.\r\nâ€Å"Will you kiss me, Jacob?”\r\nHis eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. â€Å"Youre bluffing.”\r\nâ€Å"Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.”\r\nHe hesitated in the shadow, warring with himself. He half-turned again to the west, his torso twisting away from me while his feet st ayed ingrained where they were. Still looking away, he took one shot step in my direction, and then another. He swung his face around to look at me, his eyes doubtful.\r\nI stared back. I had no idea what expression was on my face.\r\nJacob rocked back on his heels, and then lurched forward, closing the distance between us in three long strides.\r\nI knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still †my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides †as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence.\r\nI could feel his individual retirement account as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. One hand moved to the nape of my neck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hair. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder, shaking me, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my arm up around his neck. I left it there, my hand still t ightly balled up, unsure how far I could go in my desperation to keep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a response out of mine.\r\nAs soon as he was sure I wouldnt drop my arm, he freed my wrist, his hand feeling its way down to my waist. His burning hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, bowing my body against his.\r\nHis lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth followed the place of my jaw, and then explored the length of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my other arm to draw it around his neck like the first.\r\nThen both of his arms were constricted around my waist, and his lips found my ear.\r\nâ€Å"You can do better than this, Bella,” he whispered huskily. â€Å"Youre overthinking it.”\r\nI shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe.\r\nâ€Å"Thats right,” he murmured. â€Å"For once, just let yourself feel what you fe el.”\r\nI shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me.\r\nHis voice turned acidic. â€Å"Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?”\r\nAnger rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch. That was too much †he wasnt fighting fair.\r\nMy arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair †ignoring the stabbing pain in my right hand †and fought back, struggling to pull my face away from his.\r\nAnd Jacob misunderstood.\r\nHe was too strong to recognize that my hands, trying to yank his hair out by the roots, meant to cause him pain. kind of of anger, he imagined passion. He thought I was finally responding to him.\r\nWith a wild gasp, he brought his mouth back to mine, his fingers clutching frantically against the skin at my waist.\r\nThe jolt of anger unbalanced my tenuous hold on self-abnegation; his unexpected, ecstatic response overthrew it enti rely. If there had been only triumph, I might have been able to resist him. But the utter defenselessness of his sudden joy fruity my determination, disabled it. My brain disconnected from my body, and I was touch him back. Against all reason, my lips were movingwith his in strange, confusing ways theyd never moved before †because I didnt have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasnt being careful with me.\r\nMy fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him close set(predicate) now.\r\nHe was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The heat was everywhere. I couldnt see or hear or feel anything that wasnt Jacob.\r\nThe tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.\r\nWhy wasnt I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldnt I find inmyself even the desire to want to stop? What did it mean that I didnt want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and want that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me?\r\nThe questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: Id been lying to myself.\r\nJacob was right. Hed been right all along. He was more than just my friend. Thats why it was so out of the question to tell him goodbye †because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.\r\nI didnt care about more than that †than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. I hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.\r\nIn this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always be my pain †now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow to a fault pain. Almost tangible †it burned again st my skin like acid, a slow torture.\r\nFor one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacobs thoughts, I could see exactly what I was going to give up, exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from losing. I could see Charlie and Ren??e mixed into a strange collage with Billy and Sam and La Push. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, ever-changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.\r\nAnd then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole.\r\nJacobs lips were still before mine were. I opened my eyes and he was staring at me with wonder and elation.\r\nâ€Å"I have to leave,” he whispered.\r\nâ€Å"No.”\r\nHe smiled, glad by my response. â€Å"I wont be long,” he promised. â€Å"But one thing first . . .”\r\nHe hardening to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?\r\nThis time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedly hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.\r\nHis arms curled around me, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear.\r\nâ€Å"That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never.”\r\nAgainst his chest, where he couldnt see, the tears welled up and spilled over.\r\n'